why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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