He had one of those small greek statue penises
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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