i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
