Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
So squirting runs in the family.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
