I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
