i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I need a beard to bite.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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