Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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