We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
