If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Randomize
