what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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