I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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