I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
