I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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