he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
