I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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