I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
