She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
