I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
