i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
