I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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