hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
