DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
