Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
