Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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