Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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