The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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