I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
