u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
