is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
