Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
