Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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