I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
