She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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