I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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