oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
