that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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