i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Four minutes until I can fart!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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