Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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