i wish my penis had a tongue
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
