Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
