he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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