your parents love me but you hate me
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Randomize
