Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
