I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Swine flu is the new snow day.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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