Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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