I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
