it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
