I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Randomize
