I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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