Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
