So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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